Don’t Fall Alseep Drunk & Naked…

…Unless you can trust everyone else in the house.

That above is advice from my friend, Chunks (who I’ve talked about before).  Chunks is a pro at getting drunk, so i trust his advice.

Here’s why Chunks says drunk, naked and asleep is a bad combo:

“So, there was this time when I got lucky with this girl I picked up at a frat party (but it wasn’t my frat, it was another one).  So we got hot and heavy pretty quick, but after I’d already had, like a gazillion beers.

“So we stumbled upstairs to some guy’s room, and we went at it, and it was great.  Then we fell asleep.  or I did, I don’t know if she did.  And I was all butt naked.  And shit, did I sleep!  I didn’t wake up, even to piss, for like 10 hours.

“Then I was all groggy, I pulled my shorts on, went into the toilet and whizzed, got kinda dressed, stumbled home, and slept some more.

“Then a coupla nights later, I got lucky again, and we went back to my place.  I got undressed, and this girl started laughing – which is kinda embarrassing when a girl laughs at you naked.  But it turns out she wasn’t laughing at the size of my junk, but at my butt.

“When I’d been passed out the coupla nights before, someone had come in and painted my butt blue, then drawn a goofy face on it.  And I’d been so out of it, I didn’t even know.  And since it was on my butt, I didn’t see it the next coupla days when I showered.

“And lemme tell ya, getting paint off your ass is NO FUN!”

Chunks never did find out who did it.  Some rival frat guy.  (And I’m glad he did – makes me laugh, long as it wasn’t me!)

More Lewd Limericks

A girl from Nantucket could blow

Any dick on your average Joe

But when she saw my big meat

She knew she was beat

– And that was BEFORE it did grow!

 

An amorous woman of intellect did complain

About the relationship between dick size and brain

The bigger the cock

The smaller the talk

And after cumming, conversation went right down the drain

 

A young man whose penis had girth

Wanted a lisping young girl born in Perth

But this lisping girl that he knew

He never could screw

When he started, she cried “Thtop! It hurthth!”

Another Junk Joke

Ok, so there was this guy who was brought up in this religion which demanded that all of its members be naked at all times.  The guy was very committed to his religion, so he never wore clothes, even when he went to the store.

One day, he had gone to the grocery store.  He had just picked up some gum and some potato chips when he saw three nuns walking down the aisle. 

Shaving My Balls, Part 2

Okay, so I posted recently about trying to decide if I want to shave my balls, and here’s where I’m at with it.

There’s been a lot of positive feedback from people saying, “Dude, do it, it’s great.”  And, of course, the women that tell me that they prefer it and that tell me that they like to go down on a shaved cock more than a hairy one certainly get my attention!  (And, hey, I understand that.  Hair in the teeth can be annoying.)

To Nipples

I licked an awesome nipple last night.

Ok, two of them.

A really fine nipple is just about as fuckin’ epic as it gets.  (I say that now, and I mean it totally, but I also know that on others days I might fall jsut as much in love with an especially sweet cunt or an ass that swings and sways in the most beautiful way).  But now, a coupla hours after absorbing the fullness of these nipples, I’m all into the can’t-beat-it unbelievableness of nipples.

I love them.  I love the way my eye locks on them when a new pair of breasts is presented to me (and it IS a present).  It doesn’t matter if they’re full and round and deep brown or petite and shy and tan, if they’re soft or if they’re standing up and bursting with excitement.  i just love to take them in with my eyes and feast on them, and then to touch them, stroke them lightly, run my fingers around every centimeter of them.  To prolong the time when I move my mouth down on them and kiss them, let my tongue roll over them, absorb them.

The ones last night were bursting with personality.  Yes, nipples do have personality, and not always the same as the one that their owner has presented.  The possessor of last night’s fine nipples was kind of shy, a bit demure, but when the bra came off and her hands fell away from covering them, they preseted themselves as luscious and proud and mesmerizing.  I gently fell on them and spent a lot of time letting them know how much I appreciated their specialness.

I love taking my time with nipples, giving them their due, letting them know that a cunt is fantastic but that nipples have their own allure and charm and fascination.  Women’s bodies are so fuckin’ awesome, and nipples are amazing.  Every one of them.  They all have their own storie sto tell, and I love to experience all of them.

Heaven.  Fuckin’ heaven.

Lewd Limericks

Ok, so I’m no poet but I like to write dirty limericks.  Here are a few I’ve done in the past.

Fancy Fingering

What is hotter than watching a woman pleasuring herself?

Awesomely erection-making, that  is!  Mind you, I wouldn’t want to just watch a girl playing with herself every night (unless it usually was just foreplay before my li’l guy got to come over to play).  But I love it when it happens.

What Jack Wants (A Dirty Joke)

So, little Jack came home from elementary school one day.  He went upstairs and looked in his mother’s room.  She was on her bed, naked, her hands furiously rubbing her crotch, and moaning, “Oh, I want a man!  Dear God, I want a man!”

The next day, little  Jack  came home from school and went upstairs, where he saw his mother once again naked, but this time with a man lying on top of her.  Jack immediately raced to his room, took off all his clothes, lay down on his bed and started furiously rubbing his crotch, moaning, “Oh, I want a bike!  Dear God, I want a bike!”

Sex on a Picnic Table? Check!

Okay, got to add a new one to my “places I’ve had sex list” this weekend.  Was out with my sex bud (see post of a coupla days ago), and we had ourselves a picnic dinner, complete with a hefty amount of wine, and before the night was over, we were buck naked on the picnic table going at it.

It was one of the greatest screws I’ve ever had.  And my partner was pretty satisfied too.

Sunburned Junk Joke

Jack was so excited.  At long last, he had wrangled a date with Cindy, a blond with a 40” bust, a legendarily active crotch and the brains of a flea.  Jack hadn’t been laid in weeks, and he was looking forward to the night with great anticipation.

Looking in the mirror that morning, he noticed he looked very pale, so he decided to go up on his roof and get a tan.  Once there, he took off all his clothes, so that he’d tan all over and not have a tanline from a swimsuit.