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Don’t Fall Alseep Drunk & Naked…

12 Oct

…Unless you can trust everyone else in the house.

That above is advice from my friend, Chunks (who I’ve talked about before).  Chunks is a pro at getting drunk, so i trust his advice.

Here’s why Chunks says drunk, naked and asleep is a bad combo:

“So, there was this time when I got lucky with this girl I picked up at a frat party (but it wasn’t my frat, it was another one).  So we got hot and heavy pretty quick, but after I’d already had, like a gazillion beers.

“So we stumbled upstairs to some guy’s room, and we went at it, and it was great.  Then we fell asleep.  or I did, I don’t know if she did.  And I was all butt naked.  And shit, did I sleep!  I didn’t wake up, even to piss, for like 10 hours.

“Then I was all groggy, I pulled my shorts on, went into the toilet and whizzed, got kinda dressed, stumbled home, and slept some more.

“Then a coupla nights later, I got lucky again, and we went back to my place.  I got undressed, and this girl started laughing – which is kinda embarrassing when a girl laughs at you naked.  But it turns out she wasn’t laughing at the size of my junk, but at my butt.

“When I’d been passed out the coupla nights before, someone had come in and painted my butt blue, then drawn a goofy face on it.  And I’d been so out of it, I didn’t even know.  And since it was on my butt, I didn’t see it the next coupla days when I showered.

“And lemme tell ya, getting paint off your ass is NO FUN!”

Chunks never did find out who did it.  Some rival frat guy.  (And I’m glad he did – makes me laugh, long as it wasn’t me!)

Love Your Hands, Ladies

30 Aug

God, I love the way a woman’s hands feels.

I’m not saying they’re always my favorite part of a woman’s body, ‘cuz clearly there are times when I’m much more interested in the more erogenous and erotic parts – love them naughty bits!  But when my li’l guy is relatively sleepy,  I just love to spend time holding a woman’s hand, or feeling it stroke my head, or planting a few little kisses on it.

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Beards

27 Aug

So I’ve been thinking about bearding up but don’t know if I should.

My friend Alex is like, “Bro, a beard is so easy.  Do it.”  And I’m like, yeah, I like easy.

See, I’m basically lazy.  And the thought of not having to spend time every day shaving, I really like that.  And no more nicks or cuts – yeah!

Jake, another friend, tho’, is like, “Dude, a beard is just another way of showing you got balls.  Don’t be so freakin’ insecure, man.  You don’t have to show it off.”  And that kind of pisses me off, cuz it’s not true, cuz you can have a beard for other  reasons.  But also it pisses me off cuz it partially is true, that I like the idea of a beard because it’s kind of exhibitionistic in a symbolical-like way.

And from girls, I get different reactions- some like the idea (“hot,” one of them called them) and some are like, “Ew, so shacked, don’t do it.”

I grew one a coupla years ago, just for a coupla days, to see what it’d look like, tho, and I thought it was okay.  But I’m not a woman.  And clearly, if it’s gonna freak out the ladies, I don’t want it.

So don’t know what I’ll do yet.

A Question You Can’t Answer

20 Aug

Dude, you know you’ve been there too.  A coupla weeks ago, I was with a girl and she said those words no bro likes to hear: “Okay, be honest now.”

It’s like, go ahead and shoot me, would you?  Because you know that whatever comes next, you’re gonna step in it.  There’s no avoiding it.

In this case, what came next was one of the worst, cuz it was THAT question: “Do these pants make my butt look big?”

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Abs

16 Aug

To be blunt, I don’t have them.  And I hate Brad Pitt and all those other show-offs for having so much of them.

Definitely NOT a picture of me!

I’m not disgustingly out of shape.  But I do have a small li’l ol’ gut, as I’ve mentioned before – and I like it.  But there are times – like last weekend – when I think it’d be nice to have that six-pack look.

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Belly Up

28 Jul

I’m not what you would call fat – I’ll lay you out if you do – but over the last year or two, I’ve started developing a little belly.  There’s not enough that I feel weird going shirtless, but there’s enough to get a little handful.

And I find it kinda epic.

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Got Your Back

27 Jul

Ok, so I started getting hairy early on, which is good.  I liked knowing I was shaving when other guys didn’t even have peach fuzz.  But in the last couple of years, it’s spread to my back – which I didn’t expect, since my dad is not a fur-backer at all – and that hair at first kinda freaked me out.  I was like, man, the chicas will send me to the gorilla cage.

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