Boy Meats Melon

29 Sep

I know I’m not the only guy that’s done this (cuz my friend Chunks definitely has, and so have some guys I went to school with): had sex with a melon.

When you’re a boy, you hear lots of jokes about guys being so horny they fucked a watermelon (or something similar).  And it’s always intended to show what a loser the guy was – he couldn’t get a girl, or he was such a horndawg he had to fuck SOMETHING.  And I always laughed at it like that.

But I also thought it was a turn-on.  I’d secretly get hard and think, “That would be kind of awesome.”  And a few times I whacked off thinking about doing it with a melon.

So, when I was 15, I decided to try it.  I started small, though – with a grapefruit.   (We didn’t usually have melons in my house, but grapefruit and oranges we had.)  One night, after my ‘rents were sleeping, I smuggled a grapefruit and knife back to my room and carved out a hole – which was a hell of a lot harder than it looked!  I mean, just carving a whole in a grapefruit, instead of just slicing it in two, is not something I’d done before.  And it was hard to know how big to make the hole – I’d be playing with my cock to keep it hard, then slip the grapefruit on to see if it was the right size, then carve it out again, not wanting to make it TOO big, cuz then it would ruin the whole thing, then trying ity on again, making it deeper, trying it again, making it deeper, and so on, until i had a fruit I could fuck.  (Couldn’t get all my dick in, becaus eit was only a grapefruit, but it was enough!)

When I finally slipped it in, it took like 30 seconds before I shot my load, partially because I was all hot from beating off for the last 20 minutes and partly because the feel of the wet, juicy pulpy stuff on my rod was way fantastic.  So I came fast and furious.

It was good practice for when I finally bought a watermelon – hard to get that home from the store and in my room without anyone noticing!  but I at least had practice and knew how wide to make the hole and was able to make it deeper.  (Of course, a watermelon is a lot harder to carve into, but when you’re horny…)

Then I humped that sucker like there was no tomorrow.  Unlike the grapefruit, which I fucked by basically just lying on my back and moving it up and down my pole, the watermelon was big enough that I could lie on top of it and go at it missionary style.  Again, I didn’t last long, but it was an awesome orgasm.

I then hid the melon under my bed, washed off my junk, threw the towel I’d kept under the melon to keep my bed clean into the laundry and tried to forget about the hot “gourd sex” I’d just had.  My parents would be home soon, and I didn’t think I could have a repeat performance with them in the house and awake.  But it had been so much fun, I had this hardon all through dinner and watching TV with my folks afterward.

I couldn’t wait for them to get to bed, and as soon as I thought they were asleep, I pulled out my new “fuck friend” and got down to it – as quiet as I could.  I decided doing it on the floor would be better, so the springs wouldn’t squeak, so I did it down there. Another great big spurt, another clean up and then to a great, satisfied sleep.

Disposing of the watermelon though was complicated.  With the grapefruit, I cut it into little bitty pieces and flushed it down the toilet.  Couldn’t do that here, so I wrapped it up in 3 garbage bags, tied each one of them, and then put it out in the trash.  So sly.

Or not.  The next day, my Dad pulled me aside  (this was back when he was at least a little cool) after dinner, and  said, “A cantaloupe is pretty good, too,” gave me a wink, and walked away.

So I guess I come by my melon fetish genetically!

(And yeah, I did it a dozen or so times again as a teen-ager – and have done it a few times as an adult.  The fact that I love pussy doesn’t mean I don’t like giving my li’l a guy different kinds of treats!)

Not me – but just to show I’m not the only one!

18 Responses to “Boy Meats Melon”

  1. kittykatell September 29, 2012 at 1:24 am #

    omg I just had to comment. Let me start off by saying you have some balls to write so freely i love it. I too have a secret fetish I hump the bed. I do this religiously and I have received my best orgasims by doing this method. No men can satisfy me like my bed. lol love the read thanks.

    • mrguypants September 29, 2012 at 10:03 am #

      Hey, whatever feels good and doesn’t hrut someone else – thank YOU for sharing the bed humping -fun stuff!

      • kittykatell September 29, 2012 at 11:40 am #

        No problem any time keep posting

  2. (anatomyofaffairs.wordpress.com) September 29, 2012 at 1:42 am #

    Good to hear that guys are as crazy as girls. Many times these are secrets people take to their graves.

  3. atalkbehinddoors September 29, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

    This is not something i had heard of before, but it certainly soiunds interesting.

  4. atalkbehinddoors September 29, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    Thank you for sharing. This is not something i had heard of before. Looking at the honeydew on my counter will never be the same.

  5. Tiffany N. York September 29, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

    Yeah, back when I was a horny teenage girl I used a carrot and then graduated to a cucumber. At what age do I have to start hiding the fruit from my son (he’s 10)?

    • mrguypants September 30, 2012 at 11:45 am #

      LOl – hard to tell! (Not all guys are as horndawgy as me)

  6. AJ Rimmer September 30, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

    I’m just glad you didn’t have paper cuts on your cock. That would be tragic fucking a grapefruit with paper cuts. Hmmm did I just think of a new dom torture? I’m going to give you a paper cut then let you fuck a grapefruit. hehehe

  7. Shane October 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    it’s amazing what all you can fuck when you set your mind to it

    • mrguypants October 1, 2012 at 12:36 pm #

      Maybe the question is, “Is there anything you CAN’T fuck when youy’re really horny?” (or just pervy)

  8. sensualnslutty October 1, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    Thanks for sharing, loved the post. I would be mortified with your dad basically calling you out on it. OMG. My mom caught me touching myself once and that was mortifying as well. She really didn’t know what I was doing, or maybe she did ??? i will have to post about that story sometime. (I have a bad habit of touching myself in my sleep and not knowing it) She knows I’m a horn dog though 🙂

    • mrguypants October 1, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

      I’ve ben caught myself – a future post on that! – so I know what u mean!

  9. unsportsmenmic October 2, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

    I have never done it and I think at this age I would be a little strange trying it now. Imagine cutting hole in Melon, inserting penis in hole, discomfort and mystery starting to disappear, and then wife and 1 year old come home to a molested melon and dad with egg on his face and melon on his stick. Not a good look, not a good look at all.

    • mrguypants October 2, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

      Definitely not an easy thing to do with otehrs around! I can’t help it, though – I get off on lots of “weird” things.

  10. filledandfooled October 2, 2012 at 3:03 pm #

    Ok, I officially love your blog. I have never fucked a food but the smell of coconut makes me crazy-horny so I appreciate your kind of weird.

    • mrguypants October 2, 2012 at 9:35 pm #

      Yeah, some smells are REALLLLY erotic!

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