Sharing Chunks’ Words of “Wisdom” on Drinking

5 Sep

I mentioned my bro Chunks recently  (see the post on “Chunks Learns About Sex”)  and how he gets his name from having blown a lot of chunks when drunk.  Chunks always has a lot of drinking tips; I’m like, “Dude, you’re barfin’, like, every time you drink, so why would I listen to you?” but he’s like, “DumbDuder, learn from my mistakes – duh!”

So here are some of the things I’ve learned (or at least been told) by Chunks over the years:

1.  Eating half a cheesecake before going on a night of drinking is totally not a good idea.

2.  If you know you’re starting on the beer that’s going to get you shitfaced, hold your nose while you’re drinking it (and the next ones), and you won’t get drunk for longer.

3.  Babes shouldn’t drink gin ‘cuz it makes their mouths taste double-skanky when you tongue them.  And Schnapps makes them just taste freakin’ weeeeeeeird.  (Maybe guys shouldn’t drink these either, but Chunks says he can’t offer experienced wisdom on that issue.)

4.  Don’t ask him why, but Chunks swears that it’s always easier to balance a bottle of vodka on your head than any other kind of booze. Even if it’s really cheap.  (Like the wuss has ever had any vodka that WASN’T cheap!)

5.  You’ll get drunk faster if you drink out of a bottle instead of a glass.

6.  Ice is for pussies.

7.  OK, so you may be tempted to wear a Depends on a planned “get shitfaced” night so that you can just piss in your pants and not have to try to make it to the damn toilet – but, trust Chunks, one diaper, even a big f’in’ one, can’t protect your pants from a drinking night’s load of piss.

8.  If you don’t have a dental plan, getting sloshed at a redneck bar can get REALLY expensive.

4 Responses to “Sharing Chunks’ Words of “Wisdom” on Drinking”

  1. wettersbetter September 5, 2012 at 5:57 am #

    Hahaha hilarious! Thank you for that.

  2. VegansHusband September 5, 2012 at 6:49 pm #

    That’s friggin’ hysterical. I think I may have gone to college with Chunks. . .

    • mrguypants September 5, 2012 at 9:02 pm #

      There’s a Chunks in every guy’s life (thank God)

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