1. “Douchebag” is really hard to spell. It’s much easier to just be one.
2. A real friend, no matter HOW drunk he is, NEVER asks you to help him aim. Or to zip him up when he’d done.
3. “You and what fuckin’ army?” is whatchacall a rhetorical question. You’re better off not answering it.
4. Same with “You expect me to believe that? ”, especially when coupled with “How dumb do you think I am?”
5. While we’re on the subject of questions: Rule of thumb when a girl asks how many women you’ve slept with, cut the real number in half. (If a dude is asking, triple or at least double, it. Even if he laughs at your answer.)
6. Make sure that both you and the hot babe you’re with know exactly what you each mean by “double penetration” before you promise you’re awesomely way into it.
mrguypants 
a lot of people on the internets these days are throwing around disingenuous lols all willy-nilly…but i literally laughed out loud at #6
Awesome – thanks! Makes me feel good.
Re: 5. What if you’ve only slept with one woman? The answer could elicit more questions.
True dat!